For the love of the glorious green apple
A few words that need to be said about the most magnificent fruit
Have you ever bitten into the shiny surface of a beautiful green apple?
There are apples so green and beautifully juicy, they almost define the taste of joy in my life.
It’s amazing how something as humble as the apple can be the source of joy for a grown man. Crisp, succulent, fresh, and with a hint of sour, these apples have defined what all fruit should aspire to when they grow up.
Let’s take a moment to go through the common fruit.
Take the banana for instance. Don’t get me wrong, I still eat bananas, but what the hell is a banana really doing with its life? It lasts about 14 seconds after purchase before it decides to compete with the colour of coal and the firmness of a bad pudding. Does it crunch deliciously between your teeth when you bite into it? No. Does it ooze with a delicious sour juice, that trickles down your face? No. The banana isn’t really juicy at all actually. It just becomes a mush that people confuse for juice when you toss it into a blender.
How about the orange? It can be juicy, probably juicier than a sexy apple, but can it crunch? Can it be bitten into with little more than a quick rub and polish on your shirt? Never! You have to sit there and hack at it with your stupid nails that evolved away from the rough tree-climbing and scratching tools that could cut through anything, into a flimsy, pink and beige mess that no self-respecting primate would ever associate with. Then you have to deal with those citrusy segments that surprise you with a seed ready to choke you just as you start to enjoy it.
Don’t even get me started on strawberries! I mean, talk about over-promising and under-delivering. Strawberries look beautiful and smell delightful, but then you bite into it and it replies with a watery taste and a grainy texture so mundane you have to put cream on it to enjoy it. Strawberries also find themselves constantly in the creamy part of a terrible vanilla birthday cake. Why would you ruin children’s birthdays by putting this vile, seedy fruit in the best part of a cake?!
There are some other fruit which have a lot of great things going for them, but still can’t compete with this delicious green apple because somewhere in their evolution they made a bad decision. Look at the pineapple for instance. It’s delicious, and looks bloody rad. If I was in some dark universe where criminals forced plastic surgery on people to give them fruity makeovers, I’d go with pineapple in a heartbeat. What sexy texture and head of leaves! The problem is that if you choose to eat this beauty, you have to spend an entire afternoon with a massive knife, hacking away at the spines, endangering your fingers and testing your patience.
Watermelons are fantastic, but they’re a bit like a lottery ticket. Unless you live in a country with fantastic soil, no amount of slapping and listening to a watermelon will guarantee you that luxurious red colour and sweet, summery taste. In fact, I’d say that 9/10 watermelons result in that light pink, dust flavoured, seed infested garbage.
Mangoes are easily some of the most flavourful fruit, but can you possibly just have a chilled out afternoon mango snack? Of course not! The minute you start eating a mango, you’ll find the juice up your nostril, down to your elbows, and in a puddle on the floor. Your hands become a sticky mess and good luck handling anything that isn’t a bar of soap. Not to mention that ridiculous seed in the middle. It’s like 80% seed! What a bad deal. That’s like a Walker’s bag of chips that greets you with a waft of salted, oily air when you open it and upon having your first chip, the bag is already 50% empty.
You have to face the facts. Green apples are the greatest fruit ever made. If fruits were cars, then green apples would be bicycles because cars suck.They’re immediately edible with the peel and everything, they’re sweet and refreshing but offer a hint of sour to keep things a little more complex and interesting, and they’re durable as heck! I once dropped a green apple from my face while standing and all that happened was a negligible bruise. Have you even dropped one of those mushy red apples? They implode. Hell, those red apples, like Red Delicious, probably weren’t meant for Earth considering how allergic their insides are to oxygen. If you don’t eat a red apple in under 5 seconds, it goes from mushy to something more like Gerber’s baby food.
I can’t think of any fruit you can just put in your pocket and then eat an hour later, keeping your hands completely clean and your belly full and nourished. You can even eat them with salt! You think it’s weird? Try it and tell me if I’m crazy.
Honestly, if green apples had ears, I’d recite them a poem every time I ended their existence by ingesting them. I’m not even sure if this should be an apology or a letter of gratitude — maybe it’s both simultaneously. Is the purpose of a fruit to be eaten? Is my purpose to eat fruit? This is a discussion for another time, but the questions did wake me up to my true feelings and consequently what I would say to green apples.
Green apple, I don’t know how to say this but love hurts, and I would imagine being eaten is the greatest pain of all and thus by eating you I am expressing to you the greatest love of all.
